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Jokes
Apr 17, 2007 11:33:12 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 17, 2007 11:33:12 GMT -5
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks, Troubled User.....
_____________________________________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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Jokes
Apr 20, 2007 11:10:08 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 20, 2007 11:10:08 GMT -5
Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two placed as close together as possible. ~George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir -- mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was "shut up". ~Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Unknown
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~Unknown
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Unknown
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~Unknown
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good -- spit it out. ~Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Unknown
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2007 19:24:01 GMT -5
Post by 1kennychesney on Apr 28, 2007 19:24:01 GMT -5
^HAHA!!! I love those!!!!!!
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Jokes
May 3, 2007 10:43:26 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 3, 2007 10:43:26 GMT -5
I met an older women at a club last night. She was OK for 57, we drank a bit, danced a bit and then she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? I said no. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. As we walked through the front door of her house she turned on the hall light on and and shouted upstairs: "Mom you still awake?"
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Jokes
May 15, 2007 11:58:43 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 15, 2007 11:58:43 GMT -5
Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Mary's mouth fell open, "Boy, she is going to get in big trouble!" The teacher ignored her again and continued, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." She then turned to Mary and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
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Jokes
Jun 26, 2007 10:34:58 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jun 26, 2007 10:34:58 GMT -5
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."
The Iraqi, impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says,
"In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."
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Jokes
Jul 16, 2007 10:48:56 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 16, 2007 10:48:56 GMT -5
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-( Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes: (_!_) a regular ass (__!__) a fat ass (!) a tight ass (_*_) a sore ass {_!_} a swishy ass (_o_) an ass that's been around (_x_) kiss my ass (_X_) leave my ass alone (_zzz_) a tired ass (_E=mc2_) a smart ass (_$_) Money coming out of his ass (_?_) Dumb Ass You have just been e-mooned!
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Jokes
Jul 19, 2007 10:38:17 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 19, 2007 10:38:17 GMT -5
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peathingy. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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Jokes
Jul 30, 2007 11:12:30 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 30, 2007 11:12:30 GMT -5
The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down
" the rules"
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can -
to give them a bigger laugh.
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Jokes
Aug 23, 2007 10:41:47 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Aug 23, 2007 10:41:47 GMT -5
I thought you guys might enjoy the dog & cat diaries
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people! My favorite thing! 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Day 984 of my captivity: Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
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Jokes
Aug 30, 2007 11:10:32 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Aug 30, 2007 11:10:32 GMT -5
Take One:
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when One said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, Minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, Threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what You want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the Clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway." Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass Is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs To be. Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a Particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been Waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept Golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with Him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire Fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last Year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer For them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist Colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil Engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers Build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The Graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The Graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The Graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the Possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical Engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an Electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of Electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to Have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline Through a recreational area?" Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers Believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back Into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and Returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back Into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a Beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do Anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a Girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's way cool."
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Jokes
Sept 4, 2007 10:40:30 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Sept 4, 2007 10:40:30 GMT -5
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice.....pigeon-toed." The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the Redneck... "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her."
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Jokes
Sept 6, 2007 10:33:47 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Sept 6, 2007 10:33:47 GMT -5
"The Wife and the Husband Stores"
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City where a woman may go to choose a husband.
The instructions at the entrance read:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the floors. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but may not go back down except to exit.
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She goes to the next floor and the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
And, she continues upstairs, where the sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Good Looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels comp elled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor No. 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner has opened "The Wife Store" in a six story building across the street.
Floor 1 has wives that love sex.
Floor 2 has wives that love sex and have money.
Floors 3 through 6 have never been visited.
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Jokes
Sept 6, 2007 10:34:15 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Sept 6, 2007 10:34:15 GMT -5
A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks."
A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks."
The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out looking for work."
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Jokes
Sept 7, 2007 10:40:53 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Sept 7, 2007 10:40:53 GMT -5
SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?
The population of the USA is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice !
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