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Jokes
May 5, 2008 10:44:51 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 5, 2008 10:44:51 GMT -5
A blind man wanders into an all Girls Biker Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, that you should know five things: 1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. 2) The bouncer is a blonde girl. 3) I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. 5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously Mister, do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Jokes
May 12, 2008 11:13:39 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 12, 2008 11:13:39 GMT -5
Famous Quotes --- Some are really good, new and different?
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. We have enough youth.
How about a fountain of "smart"? The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson. A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party. When blondes have more fun do they know it? Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Don't Drink and Drive You might hit a bump and spill something. If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you. Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol. Time's fun when you're having flies.......Kermit the Frog We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse Red meat is not bad for you, Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name. One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day. Friends don't let friends take ugly people home.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs. Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY. GUN CONTROL: using both hands The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company. The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population Calling an illegal alien an "undocumented immigrant" is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed pharmacist ".
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Jokes
May 12, 2008 11:16:14 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 12, 2008 11:16:14 GMT -5
Best 'Out of Office' Automatic e-mail Replies
Enjoy.
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of
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Jokes
May 12, 2008 11:17:21 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 12, 2008 11:17:21 GMT -5
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up!!!!
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
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Jokes
May 14, 2008 10:44:10 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 14, 2008 10:44:10 GMT -5
Top 10 reasons a gun is favored over a woman.... #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when You're on the road.
# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably Let you try it out a few times.
# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. # 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
# 3. A gun doesn't ask , 'Do these new grips make me look fat?'
# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman,
# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN . . . . . . . . . .
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Jokes
May 28, 2008 11:30:41 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 28, 2008 11:30:41 GMT -5
Red Neck Medical Terminology
Artery - The study of paintings. Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria. Barium - What doctors do when patients die. Benign - What you be after you be eight. Catscan - Searching for Kitty. Cauterize - Made eye contact with her. Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome . Colic - A sheep dog. Coma - A punctuation mark. D&C - Where Washington is. Dilate - To live long. Enema - Not a friend. Fester - Quicker than someone else. Fibula - A small lie. Genital - Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series - World Series of military baseball. Hangnail - What you hang your coat on. Impotent - Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane. Morbid - A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates. Node - I knew it. Outpatient - A person who has fainted. Ovaries - You get to try again. Pap Smear - A fatherhood test. Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative - A letter carrier. Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery. Rectum - Pretty near killed him. Secretion - Hiding something. Seizure - Roman emperor what got killed. Tablet - A small table. Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport. Tumor - More than one. Urine - Opposite of you're out. Varicose - Near by/close by.
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2008 11:26:12 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 25, 2008 11:26:12 GMT -5
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the Human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
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Jokes
Jul 25, 2008 11:30:47 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 25, 2008 11:30:47 GMT -5
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas cani sters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: 'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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Jokes
Jul 29, 2008 10:57:11 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Jul 29, 2008 10:57:11 GMT -5
Today's Featured Humor : -) - Southern Drawl Words Translated
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida . Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See " Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
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Jokes
Aug 12, 2008 10:42:14 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Aug 12, 2008 10:42:14 GMT -5
Redneck pick up lines..
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em.
6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
(7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
AND.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up
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Jokes
Dec 2, 2008 11:37:31 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Dec 2, 2008 11:37:31 GMT -5
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K -N -O -W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T -T -I -T - U - D - E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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Jokes
Dec 3, 2008 11:39:01 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Dec 3, 2008 11:39:01 GMT -5
Broken Dishwasher
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!
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Jokes
Dec 12, 2008 11:47:39 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Dec 12, 2008 11:47:39 GMT -5
Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random drug test with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a drug test. Shouldn't one have to pass a drug test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with helping someone sitting around doing drugs, while I work. . . . Can you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a drug test to get a public assistance check?
Some things need to change in this country -- and soon!!!!!
We could title that program, 'Urine or You're Out'.
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