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Jokes
Feb 1, 2007 12:03:46 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Feb 1, 2007 12:03:46 GMT -5
A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...
The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tack. He returned and took a seat.
Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"
This time the man answe red , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this week end.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e... y-o-u-r... p-e-o-p-l-e... g-o-i-n-g... t-o... n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e... H-i-l-l-a-r-y ?"
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Jokes
Feb 1, 2007 12:48:40 GMT -5
Post by BeachTenant on Feb 1, 2007 12:48:40 GMT -5
ahahahahaha!!!!
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Jokes
Feb 5, 2007 11:36:29 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Feb 5, 2007 11:36:29 GMT -5
Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says,
"Excellent trade, Sir."
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Jokes
Feb 8, 2007 11:44:17 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Feb 8, 2007 11:44:17 GMT -5
George Carlin's new rules for 2007
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards !!.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. if you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf Grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge a$$ hole
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table w as just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings --now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.-- picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip; up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"
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Jokes
Feb 13, 2007 12:12:08 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Feb 13, 2007 12:12:08 GMT -5
The Following 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
# 9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K. I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
# 8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
# 7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
# 6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
# 5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
# 4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
# 3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
# 2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And... THE BEST ONE!!!
# 1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?...
You're right, we don't. . . . Sign here
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Jokes
Feb 16, 2007 11:41:07 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Feb 16, 2007 11:41:07 GMT -5
BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey
```````````` "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry , Washington , DC.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas .
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President ```````````````````
"I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ." --Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.
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"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Feeling smarter yet?
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Jokes
Mar 1, 2007 11:47:58 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 1, 2007 11:47:58 GMT -5
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Dodge SRT-4 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the SRT. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how can I make 39,675 a year, a pretty small salary, and you get the really big bucks, $1,695,759, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic... “Try doing it with the engine running."
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Jokes
Mar 15, 2007 10:45:14 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 15, 2007 10:45:14 GMT -5
Only in America
...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
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Jokes
Mar 22, 2007 11:07:55 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 22, 2007 11:07:55 GMT -5
KIDS WRITE ABOUT THE SEA
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)
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Jokes
Mar 30, 2007 10:36:41 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 30, 2007 10:36:41 GMT -5
AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER,BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core (tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reasonfor my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period." Are you f***ing kidding me? What I mean is: does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of Condescending bulls**t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
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Jokes
Apr 4, 2007 10:34:59 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 4, 2007 10:34:59 GMT -5
The wisdom of Larry the cable guy.......
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
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Jokes
Apr 4, 2007 11:29:39 GMT -5
Post by 1kennychesney on Apr 4, 2007 11:29:39 GMT -5
I love all of those! They are all funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2007 10:46:27 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 10, 2007 10:46:27 GMT -5
Living Life Backwards- I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. You enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peace fully in luxury, in spa- like conditions: central heating, room service on tap.
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2007 11:21:06 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 13, 2007 11:21:06 GMT -5
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Jokes
Apr 13, 2007 17:23:56 GMT -5
Post by 1kennychesney on Apr 13, 2007 17:23:56 GMT -5
HAHA! Love 'em!!!!
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