Post by yoohoo on Feb 14, 2008 11:42:24 GMT -5
1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..
3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "298 pounds?"
4. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
5. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
8. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
9. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
10. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
11. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
12. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
13. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
14. Why do I press harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting dead?
15. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"? They know I’m running out of money. They shouldn’t make me come up with more of what I don’t have.
16. Why do I believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
17. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
18. If I evolved from an ape, why are there still apes?
19. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
20. Why do I constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
21. How come in the winter I try to keep the house as warm as where, if it was summer, I’d be bitchin’ about the heat?
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content..
3. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, "298 pounds?"
4. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
5. Money can't buy happiness but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
8. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
9. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius because I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
10. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
11. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
12. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
13. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.
14. Why do I press harder on a remote control when I know the batteries are getting dead?
15. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds"? They know I’m running out of money. They shouldn’t make me come up with more of what I don’t have.
16. Why do I believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
17. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
18. If I evolved from an ape, why are there still apes?
19. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
20. Why do I constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
21. How come in the winter I try to keep the house as warm as where, if it was summer, I’d be bitchin’ about the heat?
