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Jokes
Mar 26, 2008 11:32:56 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 26, 2008 11:32:56 GMT -5
A 5 year old's first job...
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock."
Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2008 11:03:25 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 31, 2008 11:03:25 GMT -5
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "Why are all those clocks here?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
"Oh," replied the man, "very interesting... whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's clock," answered St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she has never told a lie."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved only twice, telling us that Abe has told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Kwame Kilpatrick’s clock?" asked the man.
"Kwame's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
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Jokes
Mar 31, 2008 11:04:13 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Mar 31, 2008 11:04:13 GMT -5
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE SYMPTOM CAUSE CORRECTIVE ACTION Feet cold and wet Glass Being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling Feet warm and wet Improper Bladder Control Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training Beer unusually pale and tasteless a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Lite Get someone to buy you another beer Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights You have fallen over backward. Have yourself leashed to bar Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes You have fallen forward See above Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet a. Mouth not open
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face Retire to restroom, practice in mirror Floor Blurred You are looking through bottom of empty glass Get someone to buy you another beer Floor moving You are being carried out Find out if you are being taken to another bar Room seems unusually dark Bar has closed Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, hit the nearest fire escape door. Run Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside, open mouth Everyone looks up to you and smiles You are dancing on the table Fall on someone cushy-looking Beer is crystal-clear It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up Punch him People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup You're in the ladies' room Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear You have been in a fight Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in You've wandered into the wrong party See if they have free beer Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk a. You're in jail
b. You're in the navy Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don'! t talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach Your singing sounds distorted The beer is too weak Have more beer until your voice improves Don't remember the words to the song Beer is just right Play
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Jokes
Apr 2, 2008 10:44:30 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 2, 2008 10:44:30 GMT -5
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime _____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs. A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need. _____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. _____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all. ______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die. ______________________________ PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does. _____________________________ DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_________________________________________________________ HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
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Jokes
Apr 9, 2008 19:25:44 GMT -5
Post by lilmisschesney18 on Apr 9, 2008 19:25:44 GMT -5
Those are really good!! thanks for sharing yoohoo!!
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Jokes
Apr 10, 2008 11:15:08 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 10, 2008 11:15:08 GMT -5
I'm not going soft, but sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, and this one truly is amazing.
In 1986, Dan Harrison ( see picture above ) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2008 11:26:23 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 22, 2008 11:26:23 GMT -5
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word , taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________ ________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: ; Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And the best for last: ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2008 11:28:14 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 22, 2008 11:28:14 GMT -5
THINK ABOUT THIS FOR A MOMENT
The Mining Journal , Marquette, MI
This text is from a county emergency manager out in the western part of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan after a snow storm last winter.
WEATHER BULLETIN
Up here in the Northern part of Michigan, we just recovered from a Historic event -- may I even say a "Weather Event" of "Biblical Proportions" -- with a historic blizzard of up to 44" inches of snow and winds to 90 MPH that broke trees in half, knocked down utility poles, stranded hundreds of motorists in lethal snow banks, closed ALL roads, isolated scores of communities and cut power to 10's of thousands.
FYI:
George Bush did not come.
FEMA did nothing.
No one howled for the government.
No one blamed the government.
No one even uttered an expletive on TV.
Jesse Jackson or Al Sharpton did not visit.
Our Mayors did not blame Bush or anyone else.
Our Governor did not blame Bush or anyone else either.
CNN, ABC, CBS, FOX, or NBC did not visit -- or report on this category 5 snowstorm.
Nobody demanded $2,000 debit cards.
No one asked for a FEMA Trailer House.
No one looted.
Nobody -- I mean Nobody demanded the government do something.
Nobody expected the government to do anything either.
No Larry King, No Bill O'Rielly, No Oprah, No Chris Mathews and No Geraldo Rivera.
No Sean Penn, No Barbara Striesand, No Hollywood types to be found.
Nope, we just melted the snow for water.
Sent out caravans of SUV's to pluck people out of snow engulfed cars.
The truck drivers pulled people out of snow banks and didn't ask for a penny
Local restaurants made food, and the police and fire departments delivered it to the snow bound families.
Families took in the stranded people - total strangers.
We fired up wood stoves, broke out coal oil lanterns or Coleman lanterns.
We put on extra layers of clothes because up here it is "Work or Die".
We did not wait for some affirmative action government to get us out of a mess created by being immobilized by a welfare program that trades votes for 'sittin at home' checks.
Even though a Category "5" blizzard of this scale has never fallen this early, we know it can happen and how to deal with it ourselves.
"In my many travels, I have noticed that once one gets north of about 48 degrees North Latitude, 90% of the world's social problems evaporate."
It does seem that way, at least to me. I hope this gets passed on. Maybe SOME people will get the message. The world does Not owe you a living.
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2008 11:28:40 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 22, 2008 11:28:40 GMT -5
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, “This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, “When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?”
She smiled and said, “No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.”
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Jokes
Apr 22, 2008 11:29:06 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 22, 2008 11:29:06 GMT -5
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
"WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???"
"Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy."
All the children rush to find seats.
"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names."
"This one’s my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who’s next?"
"Well, this one he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
"All right," says the caseworker. "I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?"
Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell, ‘Leroy!’, an’ they all comes a runnin’. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell, ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy."
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"
"Then I call them by their last names.”
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2008 11:02:32 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 25, 2008 11:02:32 GMT -5
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings.”
Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."
Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, "Got any I. D. ?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make sense to me neither."
And this from South Carolina
"You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone retiring to the North!
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Jokes
Apr 25, 2008 11:03:14 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 25, 2008 11:03:14 GMT -5
GOOD
A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball.” He replied, “Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls.” There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
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Jokes
Apr 28, 2008 10:45:10 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 28, 2008 10:45:10 GMT -5
You are riding on a beautiful white horse. On your left side is a drop off. On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion. In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way and you can't seem to overtake them. Behind you is a stampede of horses. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round. *
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Jokes
Apr 30, 2008 11:29:59 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on Apr 30, 2008 11:29:59 GMT -5
Excerpts from a Dog's Diary
8:00am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00pm - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe, for now...
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Jokes
May 2, 2008 10:40:32 GMT -5
Post by yoohoo on May 2, 2008 10:40:32 GMT -5
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT? You have to try this please, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this!!! It is from an orthopedic surgeon ........... (who obviously isn't very busy!!!) This will boggle your mind and you will keep you trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's pre-programmed in your brain! 1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and while sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so. Send it to your friends to frustrate them too!
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